Steam

Amid the stress, anxiety, pain, confusion, worry, fear, and turmoil of trauma, you will get angry. Really, really angry. 

Your anger will lash out, both rationally and irrationally. It will seethe with reason and without reason. It will consume you. It will both linger and dissipate.

You'll get angry at your body.
You'll get angry at your emotions and feelings.
You'll get angry at your lack of control over what is happening to you.

You'll get angry at your illness.
You'll get angry at your treatments.
You'll get angry at your doctors and therapists.

You'll get angry with your family.
You'll get angry with your friends and lovers.
You'll get angry with your God or higher being.

You'll get angry with your work situation.
You'll get angry with your finances.
You'll get angry with your personal life.

You'll get angry about your pain and fear.
You'll get angry about your stress and anxiety.
You'll get angry about your frustration and confusion.

You'll get angry about promises not met.
You'll get angry about plans which fall through.
You'll get angry about dreams you feel slipping away.

You'll get angry towards others.
You'll get angry towards yourself.

You'll get angry towards people for holding on too tight.
You'll get angry towards people for pulling away.

You'll get angry in yourself for weaknesses.
You'll get angry in your decisions.
You'll get angry in your choices.
You'll get angry in yourself for everything.

You will rage. 
You will stomp. 
You will flail around.
You will holler and curse.
You will have feelings you'll be shocked you feel.
You will say things you can not even believe are coming out of your mouth.
You will cry the hottest tears your face ever felt, solely from the rage boiling inside you.

You will be so mad that you love, trust, want, need, care, dream, hurt...

You will get just plain angry for no good reason and every valid one. You will turn on a dime. You will rise and plummet like a roller coaster. You will not really recognize yourself at these raging moments and that will make you rage more.

It is a vicious cycle and it feeds on itself.

However, it is also a totally natural reaction to the extreme circumstances you are facing. It is a survival response.

Anger can be a very negative and destructive force, but you have to be able to vent to survive. You have to let the steam out to be able to release the building internal pressure. You can't let it fester and boil unchecked, it will consume you. Vent the steam. Let the rage out.

Try to keep it from causing too much additional damage. Try to keep it from hurting yourself or others. 

But, allow yourself your anger. You need it. It is part of how you process what is happening to you. It is part of how you stay strong and fight back.

Focus the anger and work to balance it with peace. For every ounce of steam vented, pour back into yourself an equal measure of calm. A positive for every negative. A moment of stillness for every turmoil.

It isn't an easy task, by any means. But, few things of worth are.

Breathe. 
Curl in bed and stare at the light through the sheets.
Take a long, quiet bath, soak in the warmth or take a aimless walk, inhale fresh air. 
Light a candle or light a fire in the fireplace.

Find quiet. Find stillness. Let the anger drift away. Exhale. 

Be thankful you have the will to rage. It is proof that deep inside you, you are fighting back.